There are some girls who enjoy being single. They use lines like “I am just enjoying my freedom right now” or “It’s so good not to be tied down.” Let me clear one thing up right now…I am not one of those girls. At the ripe ol’ age of 31, I am no longer loving the single life. Truth is, I don’t think I ever have loved it. Maybe, my lack of ever having been in a relationship is the reason. That’s right friends, you read that right. I have yet to ever be in a relationship. Now, that’s not to say I haven’t been on dates and even regrettably have had “friends with benefits” as the cool kids call it, but that is about the extent of my experience with this thing called love. The older I get, the harder it seems to find the elusive “one.”
As if it isn’t hard enough to date as you get older, I am also a fat kid. Now I realize there are lots of people out there who are overweight and are in happy, healthy long lasting relationships, but for me it has always been a huge barrier in my love life…or lack thereof. It causes me to be self-conscious and feel as if I am not good enough for the love I so badly desire. So instead of pursuing relationships, I sit back and wait for them to find me which is completely out of character. In other parts of my life I am outgoing, loud, and will always talk to anyone.
Over the years, I have tried to lose the weight hoping that it would give me the boost that I would need to get out there and find my soulmate. That however is easier said than done. Whether I had lost 60 pounds or gained 30 I felt the same way: inadequate and afraid of rejection. What I have determined is that it’s not an outside job, it’s an inside one. No matter how much I weigh my distain for myself is what holds me back from meeting “the one.” How can I expect others to see the woman that God created me to be if I am hiding her?
Then, there is the old myth that you can find your soulmate at a wedding. Why not? This is literally a night that puts love on a platter and shoves it in your face. Leslie Knope, a character, from one of my favorite shows Parks and Rec says, “Every time, a couple gets married two single people die.” Well, I have been in four weddings and haven’t quite died.
However, I can tell you that it’s nothing like the movies either. I have never been pursued by a good looking groomsman or looked across the dance floor to find a gorgeous pair of eyes staring into my soul. And I have never once met Hugh Grant. Instead it’s a lot of awkward moments like being escorted down an aisle by someone you probably just met while hundreds of people most you don’t know are staring at you. Or holding a ten pound bouquet of flowers at attention in front of said people trying not to let the beads of sweat that are pooling on your brow fall onto them.
You see as much as I love being in my friends’ weddings and am honored that I am chosen to be a part of such a special day, I am not exactly at the top of my game either. Bridesmaid dresses are not made for my physique at all. It could be the prettiest dress, and I still will not be comfortable in it. You try flirting with the hottie best man while your thunder thighs are bulging out. Not exactly an ego booster. So, I have given up on finding Mr. Right at any and all weddings.
I tried the internet dating scene. Let me clarify: I tried the free dating app that I downloaded on my phone. While I did talk to a numerous amount of guys, I found that very few were looking for the same thing I was. However, I did go on a few dates and even acquired a stalker. So that was a fun experience, but needless to say I don’t think I will be trying a free dating app again. The biggest problem I ran into was telling these guys that it wasn’t going to work out. I always felt obligated to add on the “we could be friends” line. The problem with this was the things that made us not compatible for a romantic relationship were also the things that made friendship impossible as well. Before long I had a handful of “just friends” that I just couldn’t get rid of. This is not what I was looking for at all. I have friends. I want a relationship.
Really, I have no answers and no clue as to what I’m doing. But really do any of us? Isn’t love that thing that happens when you least expect it? From that unlikely source or place? Maybe, I don’t need to be an expert. Maybe I can be the inexperienced, small town, loud and chunky girl that I am and when the time is right, the moon will align with the clouds and he will magically appear to sweep me off my feet. Or something much less fairy tale but much more realistic than that will happen. And maybe I need to love myself first. Figure out who it is that God has created me to be and pursue that person so when “Mr. Right” comes along I am ready. Maybe instead of making this year be about finding a soulmate, it can be about finding me. And in doing that who knows what doors will open up.
So to all the single ladies out there looking for someone to put a ring on it: keep up the good fight, my friends. Don’t give up hope. But in the meantime, live for you. Go adventure to where you have always wanted to. Take that dream job you love. Go out dancing with your friends and heck eat that pint of Ben and Jerry’s while binge watching your favorite TV show on Netflix. Make yourself happy and believe that God created you to be the amazing, beautiful person that you are. He has a plan for your life.
Kelly is a 31 year old single gal living in small town USA with her cat Benny. 🙂