If you checked out the guest blog post by Nicole, blogger at His Love is Better Than Wine, I am grateful that you did. As a writer and blogger, I believe it is important to support the works of other bloggers. I admire the bravery that Nicole and other bloggers have in sharing their thoughts and feelings. My hope is to have other admirable women share their natural hair journeys in upcoming guest blog posts. Readers, please stay tuned!
Lately, I have been pondering the curves of life. When I say curves of life, I am referring to the transitions that one endures in his or her life. Often, these transitions contain emotions such as anxiety and excitement. In my own life, I have experienced the transitions of my sister passing away and of entering a graduate school program. Both transitions carried anxiety, but my faith in God allowed me to survive them.
My state as a single woman is a part of these curves. I looked at my previous blog posts on being afrotastically single, and I read about the joys that I had about being an afro wearing, Christian, single Black woman. Somewhere between the Cali trip and now, I have been looking at my state of singleness differently. I am finding that being afrostastically single is annoying, and I do not like that I feel this way.
Previously, I reveled in the beauty of being a #carefreeblackgirl. I loved being able to spontaneously hang out with my female friends at a coffee shop or a Thai restaurant. I loved being able to go to a concert or a movie by myself, because I was an independent woman. I loved not having to stress over those questions: “Will he call me?” and “Does he even know that I like him?” You know, those questions that repeat in one’s mind in the midst of dating.
And I still love being a #carefreeblackgirl. I love the fact that I am Black and quirky.
But what happens when #carefreeblackgirl wants to hold the hand of a #carefreeblackboy?
What happens when #carefreeblackgirl finally admits this truth to God?
What happens is that God hears it. In my church, I have heard older folks talk about how God knows what you want, but you have to ask for it. I did not want to ask for marriage, because I did not want it to be an idol. I thought it was better to hide behind my line “if or when I get married.” It was easier to think about marriage as something that may or may not happen instead of it being something that would happen to me. And with being in such a long-term state of singleness, I just was not sure that marriage could ever be a possibility.
Additionally, I know that there are so many troubles on this earth, and my cry of not wanting to single seems very small. When I reflect on bigger issues such as racism, poverty, and war, I deem that there are better things to think about. But then, I enter the cycle again, that my desires are not important. That I cannot pray for my desires.
Quickly, I can go from thinking this desire is very insignificant to thinking it is just impossible. As I read articles or blogs by other Christians, I see that young Christians are pursuing careers and waiting longer and longer to get married. On other sites or blogs, I read about how Black women who are in their mid thirties or early forties are still unmarried.
After reading about such experiences, I tell myself to be open to whatever God has for me. #carefreeboy doesn’t have to be Black, even though I would like him to be. As long as he loves Jesus Christ and and can appreciate my love for Black culture and history, I will be alright.
I struggle to be alright now. I have grown tired of dating myself. I have gotten very acquainted with my strengths and my flaws. I deem that I know myself. I’m both quiet and loud. And at times, I’m stubborn and independent, because I do not want to ask for help. While I am glad that I know the different aspects of myself, I know that I need more strength in some areas.
So, maybe, #carefreeboy shouldn’t come along yet. Even though, I want him too. Maybe, #carefreeboy still has some areas that he has to sort through. Maybe neither #carefreeboy or I are ready yet, and that is why we haven’t met.
In my chaotic thinking, I fear that I am missing the point of waiting on God for marriage. If I do not wait, I may get what I think I want, but I can also end up on a disastrous path. In my waiting, I have to remind myself that marriage is not the supreme life goal. If anything, God wants me to learn how to love Him and love others. He wants me to learn how to deal with being uncomfortable.
Waiting is uncomfortable.
I have to remind myself that I will be a better human being for waiting. Even when restlessness, impatience, and fear strive to be my companions, I have to know that the waiting will bring something good.
To my sisters in your period of waiting, how do you deal with your state of singleness? What are your thoughts on dating and marriage? Please leave a comment. I’d love to hear from you.