Guest Blog Post: Single and Fabulous?

By: Kelly

There are some girls who enjoy being single. They use lines like “I am just enjoying my freedom right now” or “It’s so good not to be tied down.” Let me clear one thing up right now…I am not one of those girls. At the ripe ol’ age of 31, I am no longer loving the single life. Truth is, I don’t think I ever have loved it. Maybe, my lack of ever having been in a relationship is the reason. That’s right friends, you read that right. I have yet to ever be in a relationship. Now, that’s not to say I haven’t been on dates and even regrettably have had “friends with benefits” as the cool kids call it, but that is about the extent of my experience with this thing called love. The older I get, the harder it seems to find the elusive “one.”

As if it isn’t hard enough to date as you get older, I am also a fat kid. Now I realize there are lots of people out there who are overweight and are in happy, healthy long lasting relationships, but for me it has always been a huge barrier in my love life…or lack thereof. It causes me to be self-conscious and feel as if I am not good enough for the love I so badly desire. So instead of pursuing relationships, I sit back and wait for them to find me which is completely out of character. In other parts of my life I am outgoing, loud, and will always talk to anyone.

Over the years, I have tried to lose the weight hoping that it would give me the boost that I would need to get out there and find my soulmate. That however is easier said than done. Whether I had lost 60 pounds or gained 30 I felt the same way: inadequate and afraid of rejection. What I have determined is that it’s not an outside job, it’s an inside one. No matter how much I weigh my distain for myself is what holds me back from meeting “the one.” How can I expect others to see the woman that God created me to be if I am hiding her?

Then, there is the old myth that you can find your soulmate at a wedding. Why not? This is literally a night that puts love on a platter and shoves it in your face. Leslie Knope, a character, from one of my favorite shows Parks and Rec says, “Every time, a couple gets married two single people die.” Well, I have been in four weddings and haven’t quite died.

However, I can tell you that it’s nothing like the movies either. I have never been pursued by a good looking groomsman or looked across the dance floor to find a gorgeous pair of eyes staring into my soul. And I have never once met Hugh Grant. Instead it’s a lot of awkward moments like being escorted down an aisle by someone you probably just met while hundreds of people most you don’t know are staring at you. Or holding a ten pound bouquet of flowers at attention in front of said people trying not to let the beads of sweat that are pooling on your brow fall onto them.

You see as much as I love being in my friends’ weddings and am honored that I am chosen to be a part of such a special day, I am not exactly at the top of my game either. Bridesmaid dresses are not made for my physique at all. It could be the prettiest dress, and I still will not be comfortable in it. You try flirting with the hottie best man while your thunder thighs are bulging out. Not exactly an ego booster. So, I have given up on finding Mr. Right at any and all weddings.

I tried the internet dating scene. Let me clarify: I tried the free dating app that I downloaded on my phone. While I did talk to a numerous amount of guys, I found that very few were looking for the same thing I was. However, I did go on a few dates and even acquired a stalker. So that was a fun experience, but needless to say I don’t think I will be trying a free dating app again. The biggest problem I ran into was telling these guys that it wasn’t going to work out. I always felt obligated to add on the “we could be friends” line. The problem with this was the things that made us not compatible for a romantic relationship were also the things that made friendship impossible as well. Before long I had a handful of “just friends” that I just couldn’t get rid of. This is not what I was looking for at all. I have friends. I want a relationship.

Really, I have no answers and no clue as to what I’m doing. But really do any of us? Isn’t love that thing that happens when you least expect it? From that unlikely source or place? Maybe, I don’t need to be an expert. Maybe I can be the inexperienced, small town, loud and chunky girl that I am and when the time is right, the moon will align with the clouds and he will magically appear to sweep me off my feet. Or something much less fairy tale but much more realistic than that will happen. And maybe I need to love myself first. Figure out who it is that God has created me to be and pursue that person so when “Mr. Right” comes along I am ready. Maybe instead of making this year be about finding a soulmate, it can be about finding me. And in doing that who knows what doors will open up.

So to all the single ladies out there looking for someone to put a ring on it: keep up the good fight, my friends. Don’t give up hope. But in the meantime, live for you. Go adventure to where you have always wanted to. Take that dream job you love. Go out dancing with your friends and heck eat that pint of Ben and Jerry’s while binge watching your favorite TV show on Netflix. Make yourself happy and believe that God created you to be the amazing, beautiful person that you are. He has a plan for your life.

Kelly is a 31 year old single gal living in small town USA with her cat Benny. 🙂

Kelly Pic

 

 

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A Wedding and Singleness

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Last week, I attended the wedding of my friend, A. I have talked about our friendship in Grief and the Curves of Life. I was honored to not only attend the wedding, but to be a bridesmaid. When a woman selects bridesmaids, she selects women from her community; her sisterhood.

A’s sisterhood is comprised of beautiful, smart and gifted young women! We did not all know each other. Three of the women were friends beforehand and lived around the same area. K (another bridesmaid) and I were introduced to each other and to the three women. We all had several occasions to get to know each other such as the bachelorette party weekend and the bridal shower. I also hung out with two of the women and A at an Italian festival.

Throughout all of our gatherings, we got along and connected over conversations about how we met A. We chatted about A’s idiosyncrasies, her love of God and of people. We were women of different personalities and of different racial/cultural backgrounds, but we respected and liked each other. We loved A and were ecstatic about her upcoming wedding. Sometimes, when women get together, there can be disrespect and turmoil. We did not witness such trials. After the reception was over, we mentioned that we should stay in touch and have a Winter get together.

God is a Connector of people! Thank you to my friend JH for emphasizing that point to me.

I enjoyed seeing A and her husband AC meet at the altar. In our blue dresses with silver broaches, we, bridesmaids, watched the tears dribble out of AC’s eyes and the smile that crossed A”s face. As an entire congregation, we sung one of my favorite songs “How He Loves.”  We listened to A and AC’s handwritten vows, and our excitement flowed as they kissed.

Husband and wife. A man and a woman whose love was molded by the ultimate Savior and Lover of souls.

Jesus.

During the day, I attempted to shove away thoughts about how I might meet someone there. I have heard folk say “You meet the one in college” or “You never know who you can meet at a wedding.” So far, I have not met anyone in either circumstance. I have been to college, and I have gone to several weddings.

I did not want meeting someone to be my focus. I was a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding, and I was celebrating A and AC. My part in their romance was to pray for continual blessings and to support them. Meeting boo at wedding was not the objective.

But as my fellow bridesmaid K stated:

“It’s impossible to be single and go to a wedding without thinking ‘what if…’ I couldn’t help but deep down think well maybe. Maybe someone here will notice me.”

Weddings are filled with love and relationships, whether familial, platonic, or romantic. As a bridesmaid, I felt joyful and beautiful, and I began to wonder the maybe’s…I did not want to wonder the maybe’s. Maybe, someone will watch me as I walk down the aisle. Maybe, someone will come over and talk to me as I sit at my table. Maybe, someone will think to themselves, “She seems cute and nice.” Well, the maybe’s turned into no’s.

No one approached me. No, I did not have one of those fairytale moments in which the guy and girl are pulled to each other. Guy and girl stare at each other’s faces and say aloud “Why haven’t we met before?” Nah, these moments happen in Meg Ryan movies such as Sleepless in Seattle and You Got Mail. My life is not a movie, and I am just a quirky, Christian Black chick with glasses.

But weddings can produce such idealism. They can make you swoony and hopeful of meeting someone. Weddings can also have awkward parts for the single lady. The most awkward parts are:

1. When slow songs come one, a single lady is usually kicked off of the dance floor. There are not many other options than to go back to your table. You can stare at the dancing couples on the dance floor, you  can take a selfie or you can do both. To occupy the dragging minutes of the slow dances, K and I took a selfie. Selfie below:

Wedding Selfie

2. When spotting a cutie, do you say something? It’s a wedding, and you may not see this person again. So,do you go    over and introduce yourself? And if you do introduce yourself, what do you say? Perhaps, you say:

“Hi, my name is _______! Do you know the bride or the groom?”

or

“Hey! Why aren’t you dancing? I’d love to see ya break a move. Breakdance, do the robot, do something!

or

“Wanna cut a rug?!” 

After you have said something clever, what else do you say? How do you deal with the pauses or the sideway glances? Even though, I have jumped out a plane before, there’s more risk in approaching a cutie at a wedding. I am a traditionalist, and I do not want to chase a guy.

But then, is it chasing to introduce yourself to a guy and see where the conversation goes? I spotted cutie, and I just continued to socialize with the girls. It was an easier and safer choice. Since God has connected me with so many female friends, I am sure that He will connect me to my godly boo in time. Now, I am not saying that I do not still wrestle with time (I talked about this concept in Singleness and the Curves of Life.), because I do wrestle. I yell and wrestle furiously with time and I ask myself, “When I will get married?

But I just think there really is not anything else that I can do but to wait on God. Waiting is not an easy feat, but it has to be done.

I do not believe God wants my concerns about singlesness to overtake me. I read in His Word:

“Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing.” Psalm 34:10

Bridesmaid Status

Single sisters, how do y’all contend with singlesness at a wedding? Holla at me! Please let me know in the comments below!

Blessings,

afrotasticlady